3 Years ago on this exact day, October 27th, 2011, during the morning around 8am. I stood up in the court of Torrance California, after just having a Restraining Order renewed on me for 3 years by a Mrs. Angela Aylward. I stood up, holding back tears, and told that judge, and Bitchward who was sitting there as well that it didn't matter WTF they did. What restraining order they placed on me, what methods they went through to keep us from talking, and what her, the state, or anyone did. That we would STILL be friends. That they couldn't control or change that. That it was not their choice and if my friend still had the desire to talk to me, we eventually would. It was not something they could stop, not then, not ever, as long as we wanted to be friends, we would be friends, and that wasn't their choice, it was ours. I stood there and told that to the judge, and then tore the permanent restraining order that had just been given to me, flipped the Judge off, and walked out of the court room to sit in the hallway and cry.
Then in April 2012, as most already know, I lived on the streets of Cali for 4 days, spent the night in jail another 4, all so I could be there to get that friend out of that Hell the day he turned 18, per a promise I had made him back when we last talked. The cops lied, I felt I was betrayed and turned against, and nearly went back to Arizona with the goal of getting rid of all my friends, distancing myself and saying fuck friendship. It was only the show My Little Pony, which I had just recently watched one or two episodes of, that was able to keep me from doing so as it showed the morals and lessons of friendship I had so vainly tried to hold on to and live by during that fiasco. It gave me a reason to still believe that it wasn't all pointless or hopeless.
And what a suprirse, eventually we did talk again, found out the cops were lying in that instance that he didn't betray, it was all a setup, amongst other things. Our friendship had prevailed in the end. Neither the mother nor the court had been able to stop it, and I had shown those who had called me crazy for going that far for a friend, that believing in friendship to that extent was not a mistake after all.
Now today? That Restraining Order is gone.
Today, the 3-years on the order ended and it having not been renewed, is expired.
But where does that friendship now lie?
Things have happened, unforgettable and somewhat unforgivable things, on both sides. We keep trying to be friends again, but something always sets fire to it, something I did or said, or something he did or said that caused me to lash out in anger. Either way, every time we try to reconcile and be friends again, it blows up. Now, the last thing I heard was "[10/17/2014 8:30:02 PM] G********e: Fine. I'll leave this chat, but we're never going to be friends again." So I don't know if that's permanent or not, he didn't exactly say the phrase he had said before would be permanent, but that could just be drawing at straws. Bottom line, He's changed, I of course never do, I try, but always fail. He's gotten more aggressive... and quick to overreact which never works with my personality of being quick to anger, impulsive, defiant, and a bit arrogant.
No matter what we seem to talk about it always ends up in an argument as of late. Games, Anime, RPing, Idle chatter. HE always finds something I said or did to attack. I always try to defend, it ends up in 'communication problems,' and I either go AFK to vent or he blocks me. That's basically the gist...But you've all heard that before and I'm just beating the dead horse by going over it again. That's not the point of this journal. The point of this journal is...
I REFUSE. I refuse to accept this!
Call me crazy, call me a fucking fool to keep trying to be friends with someone who's changed and obviously doesn't want to be. But the fact remains, I can't accept that.
Not through everything we've both been through.
Not through the lessons of friendship, anime, MLP, LBT, and other things that I've taken to heart, tried to live by, and have seen come true at times.
So we argued every little thing? SO THE FUCK WHAT!
That's what friends do! There is no perfect friendship. People shouldn't always agree or on everything or things would be boring. Friends have arguments. Friends want to kill each other at times and make one anthers life hell. Friends tend to overreact, or be quick to anger with each other. It's part of friendship, just as hanging out, talking, and getting along is part of it as well. He, or others might say well "I don't do that with my other friends." Okay, so? It's BECAUSE we were such close friends that we do it. It's because we were so close in friendship that we could tell each other when they're being a downright asshole, or bitch, get into arguments, but always make up after. It's because we were such close friends, that we could do all those things, stress each other to such damn lengths, but still say our sorry's in the end and keep our friendship. Yeah, regular friends don't do that. But that's because they're surface friendships. I knew most of my friend and he knew most of me, the good and the bad parts and because of that, we could recognize when each other had changed, wasn't being themselves or needed to be told off. We were more than friends, we were online/unrelated siblings. We had that closeness to the point you would think we could overcome this crap. You would think that "HELL YEAH, we're going to argue, we're going to attack each other and stress each other out. But we're friends, so no matter what we do to each other, we can always just shake it off and move on, laughing about it later."
...That's what I saw it as. I guess I'm wrong. But as wrong as I may be. I refuse that ending statement. I refuse to let it end with this pettiness, and just give up as if we had just had some shallow friendship that can't get through such things. I'm not a social person, I don't make friends that easily, and hell, the friends I do have I don't know how I got. They became MY friend, I didn't seek them out or ask them to be, because I don't know how. So the few friends I do have.. I try to keep them through everything... and regret as all hell when I fuck up on doing so. I try to do anything for them and be with them through trial, tribulation, thick and thin. I try to be like a figurative wall between them and who's against them if I can be if we've became that close.. Some call it brash, some call it crazy, some say I'm going too far and need to know when to quit. But whatever! That's me! That's the point to which I value my friends, and it may be crazy, I may make fucking mistake after mistake, even some I can't take back... I may be depressed as all hell regretting, crying, and wondering "WTF was wrong with me?" But, in the end, I care for my friends. I care to them to the point that....
I refuse to let statements like that end.
I refuse! Even if that's what the other person wants!
I can't accept that.
I just can't.
No matter what may be said.
No matter what may happen...
No matter how it ends...
I won't let it end.
I'll keep fighting...
Keep doing everything in my damn power to stay friends.
Even when it goes out of my power, like court, cops, and crap like that.
I still won't accept it!
Because of what little friendship I have obtained in this damned life...
...I believe in it...
And it is that belief which will keep me trying.
So bring what will, fate.
I REFUSE TO ACCEPT!